This quote is a perfect representation of my current thinking.
I would be lying if I said returning home has been easy. Strangely enough.. it’s been harder than the week I spent in hospital. Why you ask? For many reasons; however, mainly because it made me realise how much I am unable to do. Let me explain…
I have always been a very busy person. My friends and family have told me for as long as I can remember to ‘slow down’. It is not something I know or understand how to do. If I am going to do something I give it 110%. If I have spare time – I’ll find something to keep me busy but you will rarely find me sitting and doing a lot of nothing. For the past two years I have worked full time and studied full time. I have maintained a healthy active lifestyle through attending the gym six times a week. If I have a moment to spare.. you’ll find me out walking, having coffee at the beach, or agreeing to extra shifts .. because why not? However, you would rarely find me sitting still. Returning home has involved everything involving minimal movement and rest: laying on the couch, laying on my bed, sitting next to the toilet ready to vomit, crying because I am in pain, sleeping extreme amounts, reading and watching a bundle of shit TV shows and movies – I have even been watching Married st First Sight – WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME! All of these things are very remote activities. Something I am far from used too. Something I don’t actually enjoy… call me strange – I’ll understand 🙂
Since returning home I have been in a great deal of discomfort. Stuck with the same symptoms relying on a medication to whip things into gear before a surgeon will consider putting me under the knife. My bowel still doesn’t work. I still am presenting chronic constipation. I still feel sick. I still look 6 months pregnant on most days. I still have no energy to do anything. I cry whenever someone hugs me because I am quite honestly .. done. I am at a stage where I do not even care what happens if I get my colon out – I just want it out. I don’t want to continue to trial this drug. I don’t want to wait until the 29th March to see my surgeon. I just want it out. I want to feel better. I want to live my life.
I have been positive throughout the most of this road so far. I have laughed to get through serious conversations. I have found the light in the worst of situations. But this past few days has taken over control of me and I have had to learn that it is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel frustrated and it’s okay to cry.
THE POWER OF POSITIVITY
One motto that I will forever thank my parents for plumbing into my brain is: ‘do something each day that will make you happy’. Pain aside.. I have dragged myself out of the house for a walk – by a walk I mean Day 1 out of the hospital involved a very short stroll to the end of the street a mere 200m walk. Believe it or not – this wrecked me. I have since given myself the challenge to walk each day a little bit further with the aim to make it to my favourite cafe by the end of the week – a good 4km walk away (8km return) (I don’t do things by halves).
Everyday I have made it a little further. Day 2 – I made it around the block. Day 3 – I made it around the block twice. Day 4 – I made it to the local shopping centre – 2km return walk (this completely wrote me off!) Today I have made it to the local shopping centre AND did 15 mins of yoga. AMAZING. All small improvements.
It is important to note I have not done Yoga in about a year.
Please excuse poor form. I’m working on it ;D
Now although it may seem that I have progressed a great deal. I can assure you – not one of these days have I actually WANTED to go for a walk. BUT .. in order to maintain sanity one must participate in something that ‘makes you happy’. Fitness makes me happy. So I have forced myself each and everyday to get out of the house even if its just for 20 minutes.
Am I always feeling positive? Unfortunately not. But I am trying my best. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people that have provided me with so much support and love during these tough times! It sure does help you through 💜💗
Today whilst lying on the sofa feeling horrendous from the onset of this new medication I got a call to say I had some flowers arriving at the house. I was stunned. Who on earth bought me flowers?
MY BEAUTIFUL BEST FRIEND! 1400km working her butt off to teach students in a remote community, presented with her own challenges whilst living miles away from home and still manages to organise something so wonderful that has made my day! GRATEFUL 👭💜